Population Statistic: Read. React. Repeat.
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Thursday, June 30, 2021

It’s funny how one’s guy/girl radar works independently of the conscious mind. Well, how mine does, anyway (as it relates to girls; I don’t have a guy-tracking radar, to my knowledge).

Today at lunch, I spotted this girl milling about. Not quite pretty, but damned attractive, because she was just my type: Longish dark hair, olive skin, decent body with a nice chest, unassuming body language. I couldn’t maneuver myself over to her to talk with her. But, despite sitting clear across a huge dining area from where she was, and engaging in eating and conversing with others, my head automatically picked up everytime she moved around. By the time she was leaving the joint, my eyes involuntarily followed her out the door, despite the distance and her not being particularly in my line of sight.

Too bad the situation wasn’t more advantageous. If I run into her again, I’m definitely talking to her.

by Costa Tsiokos, Thu 06/30/2005 01:43:01 PM
Category: Women
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Sunday, June 19, 2021

Does the average girl daydream about being a stripper? Wonder about a) Whether she’d get up enough nerve to actually bare all in some seedy joint, and b) If she had the bod to rake in the big bucks?

Outside the fanatically puritanical, I’m guessing most women wonder about it every once in a while. Jibes well with the overarching body issues we all have.

Some go farther than others: Nerve.com’s Rev. Jen Miller stripped for science, and came away with her soul (barely) intact.

The scientific process was well-displayed during the devising of a stage name:

“The first thing you need is a stripper name,” Velocity told me. “I’m thinking you would make a good Trinity. It’s innocent, but also a little freaky.”

The religious connotations of that seemed pompous, so I asked friends for suggestions. Among their brainstorms were Hamburger McFlapsalot, Shecky Titsberger, Polaka Clitskowski, Clitsy McLabe, Carrie Bigpee, Coco, Georgina, Cozy, Misty, Windy, Jovi, Willa, Lickety Split, Fancy, Jean, Louis Elfesteem and Benedicta (in honor of the new pope). After much consideration, I chose Trinity.

I don’t think a stripper named Trinity would do it for me. Reminds me too much of The Matrix, and that would remind me too much of Keanu, and that would just kill the mood before it got started.

(Posted ahead of time, during my travel to New York)

by Costa Tsiokos, Sun 06/19/2005 04:17:17 PM
Category: Society, Women
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Friday, June 17, 2021

but no sex
Walking fairly aimessly on Hudson Street in Tribeca, what should I happen upon but a big-time photo/commercial shoot. It had the works: Huge klieg lights, people wearing headsets, and all that.

It turned out to be a Maybelline New York ad. And Kristin Davis, the new face of Maybelline NY, was the star of the shoot.

So I got to gawk at a glammed-up Kristin Davis, dressed and made-up in shades of purple, for about 15 minutes. I was even lucky enough to be there when they broke for lunch. She took off from the shooting area, walked down the sidewalk to her trailer, and came within a few feet of me, all while I got a generous eyeful.

Happy birthday to me.

by Costa Tsiokos, Fri 06/17/2005 02:07:15 PM
Category: Celebrity, New Yorkin', Women
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Monday, June 06, 2021

How did the once-lowly flip-flop sandal ascend the fashion ladder? On a faulty premise:

The evolution of flip-flops from geek to chic can be traced to open-toed shoes that prodded women to abandon pantyhose, coinciding with a surge in nail salons and toe rings. Who wants to hide pretty feet? Sections of shoe began disappearing on designers’ drafting boards. Runway models paired the plebian flip-flop with bohemian smocks, then left on the footwear when they donned taffeta for evening. (emphasis mine)

Therein lies the problem: There are really not that many pretty feet out there. In fact, there are far too many downright ugly ones on display, thanks to this open-toed madness. No matter how many $75 pedicures or toerings administered, ugly feet remain ugly feet. The biggest shame of it is, most women are kidding themselves to the contrary (although I suspect that, deep down, they know they’re not pulling it off).

For the record, I eschew sandals of all types myself (not that there’s any other type of exposed men’s footwear, really). And yeah, my feet are pretty butt-ugly too. That’s why I keep them under wraps.

by Costa Tsiokos, Mon 06/06/2021 06:05:18 PM
Category: Fashion, Women
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Saturday, June 04, 2021

(With apologies to Destiny’s Child) You want bellydancing, Tampa Bay’s got bellydancing.

Combine this with that hookah joint in north Tampa, and we could all be rockin’ the Casbah, baby.

Just don’t call them strippers.

by Costa Tsiokos, Sat 06/04/2021 02:46:17 PM
Category: Florida Livin', Women
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Saturday, March 26, 2021

Mary Spicuzza laments pop culture’s move away from female action heroes who are complex but stable, to ones who are more one-note and dysfunctional.

Besides, the doms really need to get their priorities straight. For example, Catwoman uses her superpowers to steal a necklace that caught her eye.

“Time to accessorize,” she snarls, shattering its glass container.

Elektra and Catwoman have severed ties to the world. Elektra, a tormented assassin, exists only for her next assignment even though she seems to hate her job. (Just what modern women need - more examples of female workaholics trapped in unsatisfying careers.)

I’m not sure why Spicuzza is so worked up over some crappy movies that didn’t register with audiences anyway. Both Catwoman and Elektra bombed at the box office, as did the other referenced offender, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. There’s no track record to warrant a fear of Catwoman Scratches Back hitting screens soon (love that dreamed-up title, by the way). If anything, the failure of these superheroine films jeopardizes all TV and film projects fronted by female action heroes, regardless of quality or approach.

There may be hope, though. If the Joss Whedon-helmed Wonder Woman movie project gets off the ground, and it carries the sort of sensibility that one would expect from the creator of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, all will be right in the estrogen-fueled action world.

by Costa Tsiokos, Sat 03/26/2005 05:18:14 PM
Category: Movies, TV, Women
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Friday, March 25, 2021

chick magnet
Aside from the overt humor, one of the most absurdly funny aspects of “Seinfeld” was the casting of fashion model-quality girlfriends for Jerry and George. This became especially acute in the later seasons, when plausibility was pretty much tossed out the window, in favor of providing eyecandy.

I mean, come on. I could almost see Jerry being able to snag the Calvin Klein models: He’s tall, and the charm/comedy thing would probably mitigate his horsey looks. But George, getting involved with a parade of hotties? Short, fat, bald, glasses, no money… And the girlies are lining up to date him. Only in New York — TV New York, anyway.

I always felt that part of the explanation lay in the acting out of many a Long Island boy’s fantasy: To grow up, move out of Great Neck, get an apartment in Manhattan and date girls that weren’t from your neighborhood.

Anyway, while most of those pretty faces came and went without much fanfare, I’ve noticed that a number of those one-shot girlfriend characters were played by actresses who found Hollywood success apart from “Seinfeld”. Here’s a list of the notables, in no particular order:

- Kristin Davis. Even though Davis had achieved something of a breakthrough with her one-year stint on “Melrose Place” in the mid-’90s, she still hadn’t really made a name for herself when she appeared as “Jenna” in “The Pothole” (reprising the character for a brief cameo in “The Butter Shave”). Shortly after these appearances, she hit it big as Charlotte York on “Sex and the City”.

- Catherine Keener. Keener was just starting out when she got the role of “Nina”, the hyperjealous painter in “The Letter”. Since then, she’s made a mark in independent movies, with her turn in Being John Malkovich bringing her the most critical acclaim.

- Jane Leeves. Had a spotty film and TV career before playing “Marla” in “The Virgin” and “The Contest”. This turned out to be a very lucky break, as the latter episode’s “master of your domain” storyline probably launched the fledgling series into the stratosphere — and the Marla character was integral. Shortly thereafter, Leeves landed the role of Daphne on “Frasier”.

- Debra Messing. Despite a starring role in a short-lived sitcom, Messing wasn’t much of a known quantity when she was cast as “Beth” in “The Wait Out”. She reprised that role a year later in “The Yadda Yadda”. The next year, she got the part of Grace in “Will & Grace”.

- Lauren Graham. The future “Gilmore Girl” got on the Seinfeld merry-go-round as high-maintenance “Valerie” in “The Millenium”.

- Melinda Clarke. Years after a throwaway turn as “Alex” in “The Muffin Tops” — really just one of a string of B-level roles — Clarke finally hit it big recently with “The O.C.”.

- Vickie Lewis. Her role as George’s secretary “Ada” in “The Secretary” and “The Race” wasn’t technically a girlfriend character (even though George did have sex with her). Nevertheless, it served as enough of a launching pad for her to get “NewsRadio” and various film roles afterward.

- Lori Loughlin. Loughlin had already achieved fame on “Full House” and other projects before playing “Patty” in “The Serenity Now” (easily my favorite episode title). Brief as the role was, it might have been enough to lead to her career revival in “Summerland”.

- Helen Slater. This one’s the exception to the rule. Slater’s fame was assured before her appearance — uncredited, no less — as “Becky” in “The Good Samaritan”. She was, of course, Supergirl a decade prior (which perhaps helped her get the girlfriend role, given Jerry Seinfeld’s Superman obsession). In Slater’s case, there hasn’t been much of a “Seinfeld” effect to her subsequent career.

- Teri Hatcher. Probably the most accomplished actress, coming in, to play one of the “Seinfeld” girls. With a career that started on “The Love Boat”, and hit a peak as Lois Lane on “Lois & Clark” (again, the Superman thing!), Hatcher was already a familiar face when she starred as “Sidra” in “The Implant” (role reprised in brief cameos in later episodes). She’s graduated recently to renewed TV stardom in “Desperate Housewives”; and she’s not the only one…

- Marcia Cross. Not only is she a “Melrose Place” alum, along with the aforementioned Kristin Davis; but she’s also riding high with Hatcher as a “Desperate Housewives” vixen. Her “Seinfeld” character was “Dr. Sarah Sitarides” in “The Slicer”.

Quite a lineup: Two “Desperate Housewives”, a “Sex and the City” girl, an “O.C.” vamp… The Sein had it going on!

by Costa Tsiokos, Fri 03/25/2005 01:05:44 PM
Category: Celebrity, TV, Women
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Wednesday, February 23, 2021

I was recently caught in the middle of this office cross-chatter:

Woman #1: Kristy?

Woman #2: What-y?

(Spasmic giggling)

I rolled my eyes and offered up, “Jesus, I’m surrounded by women!”* Which, of course, elicited another round of giggling.

Yes sir, the estrogen levels can get mighty high hereabouts. Not that I’m complaining.


*That’s not the goldmine that it sounds like, since all of them are married.

by Costa Tsiokos, Wed 02/23/2005 09:58:15 AM
Category: Women
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Wednesday, January 19, 2021

I stopped by the grocery store on the way home tonight. My intention was to buy only a loaf of crusty French bread, to have for dinner with a bit of the Canadian brie I bought yesterday.

When I got to the bakery section, I found they were all out of bread. The counter worker told me it would be 15 minutes before the next batch was out.

Great.

Instead of leaving empty-handed, I decided to stroll the aisles to kill time. This was the first time I can remember ever being in a grocery store without having much of a purpose, and truthfully, I wasn’t feeling all that comfortable. Browsing in other types of stores is more of a natural activity; in a food store, it’s somehow weirder.

Then, while wandering down the snackfood aisle and admiring the many varieties of mixed nuts, I reminded myself of the old maxim about supermarkets being prime cruising terrain for the opposite sex. In fact, over the years, friends of mine have commented about how many hot chicks they’d seen at this particular store.

It occured to me that I might be giving off the vibe of such a cruiser. I doubt that I was, because I wasn’t pushing a cart or carrying a basket, which would be de rigueur for someone on the make in the frozen foods section. But still, my general loitering made me feel more conspicuous than I really was, and led to this thinking.

So, I figured since I might be suspected of the conduct anyway, I might as well indulge myself.

It was a bit disappointing. Of all the women I saw, about half had boyfriends/husbands accompanying them. Of the remainder, half of them had little tykes in tow (which, married or not, is just as unappealing to me at 33 as it was at 23). That left a rather thin selection.

I did run across a woman who looked vaguely familiar. She triggered memories of a girl I knew years ago, but haven’t thought of in ages. It’s eerie: I can remember what she looked like very well, can almost remember the name (Katie?), but otherwise can’t recall anything at all about the context or circumstances under which I knew her. I doubt this woman in the grocery store was the same girl; but the visual clue she provided was enough.

Other than that, I didn’t see much else of note. Maybe I was there on an off night. Or maybe the grocery scene ain’t all that.

Anyway, eventually, they brought out the bread, and I grabbed my loaf. In the meantime, I actually picked up a few items that I remembered I needed, and would up spending $15 versus the original buck I would have dropped on just the bread. So the store wound up being the big winner.

by Costa Tsiokos, Wed 01/19/2005 11:40:03 PM
Category: Society, Women
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Monday, January 03, 2021

Four British universities have released a study stating that women with higher IQs tend to have trouble getting hitched, the opposite condition of comparably-gifted men.

I’ve always suspected that the girls who would deign to go out with me had at least a little streak of stupid in them — of the charming kind, of course. Not that I’m talking marriage or anything.

Does this point to an endurance of the old-fashioned preference for men to have a woman who’s at least outwardly less intelligent, and thus subservient? The male ego is notoriously fragile, and nowhere more so than in the measurement of wits. If a girl is smarter than you, then what does she need you for?

by Costa Tsiokos, Mon 01/03/2021 09:22:44 PM
Category: Society, Women
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Sunday, December 26, 2020

Yes, according to Don Diebel, “Americas #1 Singles Expert”, the ladies go all melty-melty for a guy packing a puppet:

- First, you will need a hand puppet. You can buy them at your major toy stores such as Toys R Us.

- Bring your hand puppet with you to a nightclub where there are lots of single ladies.

- When you see a girl that you’re attracted to, approach her and tap her on the shoulder lightly with your puppet and when she turns around raise your hand puppet towards her face and say something like this with your puppet, “Hi beautiful, would you like to dance with me?” Move your puppet up and down with your hand as you are saying your script just as if the puppet was really talking. And be sure to talk in a real silly voice.

- What happens next? She’s going to die laughing and think that you are so funny. Plus, you will make a very favorable impression on her because women love a guy with a sense of humor. And, of course, she will most likely dance with you.

I guess if this doesn’t work, you could make improvisational use of the hand puppet at the end of the night, during your compensatory auto-erotical session.

I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that I considered trying this, a few months back (well before finding Diebel’s article). Prior to heading out for a night of self-whoring clubbing, I stopped off for a couple of hours at a friend’s house to visit. His one-and-a-half-year-old daughter was up and about, and I obligingly did the playmate thing.

Among her mountains of toys was a hand puppet of a goat (Vincent Van Goat, actually). Sensing a winner when I saw it, I slipped it on, started with the goofy voice (hoping that it sounded like the “real” Mr. Van Goat, since I’d never heard of him before that night), and proceeded to ask the little girl for a kiss, a taste of whatever she was eating/drinking, and pretending to eat her feet.

She went nuts with laughter! She couldn’t get enough of the routine. And it was plenty of fun from my end.

So, inspired by the baby’s reaction, I actually considered borrowing the puppet as a social aid for the evening. Granted, (most) 20- and 30-year-old women are harder to please than toddlers. But I figured it would make for a unique conversation starter. Yet I also feared the potential humiliation factor if it tanked. I floated the idea past my friend as I was walking out the door, and he pretty much dismissed it, so I dropped the idea.

Maybe I should revisit the idea? It is being endorsed by “Americas #1 Singles Expert”, after all. Although any “expert” who’s got GetGirls.com as his home site gives me pause.

Any women out there want to chime in? If a guy approached you with a silly hand puppet in tow, would you take it as a sign that he’s funny and ballsy? Or a dweeb?

by Costa Tsiokos, Sun 12/26/2004 08:32:21 PM
Category: Society, Women
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Thursday, December 16, 2021

Last week’s post about the passing of the pantyhose elicited more response than my typical scribbling.

Apparently, I wasn’t the only one to be so blessed. The St. Pete Times got enough feedback to run a few reader comments, raw and in the buff.

I generally like the “Word For Word” feature the Times occasionally runs. However, I much prefer it when the object of skewering is a corporate press release or some absurd marketing copy — something generally produced by a faceless drone. Using it to showcase reader response strikes me as being a tad mean-spirited (even if the readers likely wouldn’t object). In this particular instance, it also feels like editorial laziness to mask the non-editing of the letters by claiming to want to show them “unblemished” (hopefully, the noticable laxness at tbt* isn’t creeping into the mothership).

That said, some of the items are quite a hoot:

I am a man who pays attention to fashion and will tell you that there is not a single garment that beats the sensual look that pantyhose (or stockings) give. None. Conversely, a cheap, trashy… slut like look is guaranteed with bare legs or spray-on hose. For me, it’s simply repugnant.

“Snorri Gudmundsson”

Bare-legged or spray-on is slutty? News to me.

And “Snorri Gudmundsson”… I’ll have to add that one to my new-name candidates. It’s already taken, but I’m sure there’s room in the world for one more.

You poor soul to think pantyhose should be a thing of the past… Goodluck with your bare legs honey, but I will not take a second look if you stroll by me.

NdnOutlaw

* * *

It’s been a sad time for me having to live with this stupid era of women embracing the “bareleg look.” Do you have any idea how ugly it is to see a women who is superbly dressed in a skirt suit with stilettos and those ugly bare legs? I make it known to the women I date that bare legs are ugly and that they wear nylons when dating me.

“Al Trainer”

Somehow, I feel that the womenfolk in the vicinity of NdnOutlaw and Al Trainer aren’t much sweatin’ what either of them think.

Women’s fashion, is controlled more by the approval of OTHER women then of other men. So women who look down on hosiery disapprovingly are only suppressing other women from wearing something that will INVARIABLEY attract OTHER MEN.

Women who wear hosiery because THEY KNOW that it attracts men, have a competitive evolutionary advantage over women who don’t. So by continuing to engage in a suppressive behavior when it comes to supporting something that CLEARLY attracts other men, those women are only working against themselves.

Those who adapt, survive and move on. Those who don’t… don’t. It’s really all about the Darwin.

Eddie

Wow, I’ve never seen a more succinct illustration of Darwin’s theory of evolution in my life.

Obviously, this is a hot-button topic with both the guys and the gals. I’ll reiterate my original points:

- The word on whether pantyhose are in or out comes from the alleged experts. Neither I nor the Times is declaring it one way or the other; we’re just relaying the info.

- It all comes down to whether or not a woman has the legs to pull off the bare look. If you can see spots, veins and other less-than-appealing markings, then keep those limbs covered. If you’ve got a nice pair, then show them off however you like.

Last note: Since I’m not really a leg man, for me the point is moot. Do what you wanna do.

by Costa Tsiokos, Thu 12/16/2004 02:36:16 PM
Category: Fashion, Women
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Tuesday, December 07, 2021

Ladies, are you still clinging to those hose? Then you’re officially a fashion casualty, because pantyhose, stockings and the like are out of style, according to those who concern themselves with such matters.

I guess I’ve noticed of late the prevalence of bare legs among the womenfolk. But being in Florida, where the climate makes regular outfitting in hosiery uncomfortable, I figured it was strictly a regional matter. I was unaware that it was so widespread.

As long as you’ve got the leggage to pull it off, rock on. If not, consider sticking to pants and creative cover-ups.

by Costa Tsiokos, Tue 12/07/2021 07:27:29 PM
Category: Fashion, Women
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Friday, November 12, 2021

an oakland booty
If dumpy mannequins could find acceptance, it was only a matter of time before J.Lo-inspired big-assed dummies became the retailing rage.

Yet this transcends fashion, says the mannequin designer:

“It is a serious sociological trend that is positive for retailers and customers in that the tyranny of the undernourished perfect model is over,” said Rich Rollison of Lifestyle Forms and Display, which designed the pants form mannequin.

Hey, if Sir Mix-A-Lot can “pull up quick to retrieve it” when it comes to the bodacious butt, I can pick up the skinny-ass scraps that are left behind in the wake of this new trend (assuming it’s really the prevailing trend, of which I’m skeptical). I’ve already made my feelings in this area known.

by Costa Tsiokos, Fri 11/12/2021 07:49:13 PM
Category: Fashion, Women
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Tuesday, October 26, 2021

cheeky
I’ve never been much of an ass man. I appreciate a nice derriere, but given the choice, it’s boobs ahoy!

Ahem.

However, I am persuadable. And these two selections from the Victoria’s Secret thong arsenal have, if nothing else, the power of persuasion.

Not that everyone agrees.

by Costa Tsiokos, Tue 10/26/2004 08:05:07 PM
Category: Fashion, Women
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Monday, October 25, 2021

Toerings on older women. Older as in late 40s and up.

Sorry, it just doesn’t sit right with me.

by Costa Tsiokos, Mon 10/25/2004 09:12:36 PM
Category: Fashion, Women
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