Population Statistic: Read. React. Repeat.
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Sunday, January 23, 2021

I can’t tell you how surprised I am to find out that ripple, that supposedly generic ghetto libation often referenced in “Sanford and Son” and other 1970s sitcoms, was actually real:

Quite the marketing angle, placing this wine (product) “in the same crowd” as beer, while simultaneously showing upscale consumers imbibing the recreational rotgut. All white people, I might add.

I assume this was the last-gasp attempt to push Ripple-with-a-capital-R, before putting it out of its snub-nose-bottle misery. I’m guessing the modern-day E.&J. Gallo Winery is denying and disowning any association with this bygone beverage.

by Costa Tsiokos, Sun 01/23/2011 07:19pm
Category: Advert./Mktg., Comedy, Food, TV
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Wednesday, January 19, 2021

For the shadow-government conspiracy theorist in you:

See how itanimulli.com automatically redirects you to the dot-gov home of the U.S. National Security Agency, i.e. our nation’s espionage-level cryptologists. Furthermore, notice how “itanimulli” is The Illuminati spelled backward.

My God, the Bilderbergers have been right all along!

Yes, this is a fun bit of webfoolery. Of course, all us grownups know how effortless it is to set a URL redirect script to any old where, including to official websites, thus crafting the illusion of something nefarious. Certainly, this dork in Utah knows how to turn that trick.

(Via @AaronRFernandes)

by Costa Tsiokos, Wed 01/19/2011 08:24pm
Category: Comedy, Internet, Political
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Thursday, January 13, 2021

cooked
I miss having regularly-scheduled reruns of “The Odd Couple” on TV. For no other reason than the chance to re-experience this culinary exchange:

As Oscar serves up the mess, Felix asks in horror, “What do you call this mélange?”

Oscar says, “Well, I was going to call it Goop, but I like your name better. Goop Mélange.”

The recipe for Goop Melange died with the show, but I recall it contained some combination of sardines, pickles, sauce, and a potato-chip topping. And people kept asking Oscar if it was supposed to look the way it did. Bon appetit!

by Costa Tsiokos, Thu 01/13/2011 10:38pm
Category: Comedy, Food, TV, Wordsmithing
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I have no use for non-standard top-level domains like .biz or .travel — and neither should you — but here’s one URL that I can get behind:

http://rim.jobs

Yes, pun intended.

Go ahead and click through. The pornish-sounding name actually redirects to something eminently banal: Research In Motion’s corporate job board. Just why the Blackberry folks felt the need to claim this corner of the help-wanted Web remains a back-door mystery. (Yes, I do believe I’ve exhausted all permutations of the ass/anal jokes.)

by Costa Tsiokos, Thu 01/13/2011 09:25pm
Category: Business, Comedy, Internet
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Friday, January 07, 2021

I can’t say why the following college memory bubbled up yesterday. All I know is that it did, and imparted a big smile on me that turned out to be infectious.

And it’s not much of a memory. Really a brief non sequiter, that’s somehow clung to my braincells for 20 years:

I was in a friend’s next-door dorm suite. We hear the shower running in the bathroom, behind the shut door. Knowing that no one else was home, we crack open the door.

Sure enough, the bathroom was empty, save for a business suit hanging from the shower rod. Meanwhile, the hot water had been flowing from the showerhead for some time, creating a practical steambath in the small space.

My friend had an amazed look on his face. Knowing that his roommate had set this up, he blurted out, “Is this what he thinks dry cleaning is??”

We had a good laugh. The end. I don’t remember ever confirming the intent; the roommate in question was pretty lunkheaded, so I’m guessing yes. Hopefully, he’s since learned better.

by Costa Tsiokos, Fri 01/07/2021 08:22am
Category: College Years, Comedy, Fashion
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Thursday, January 06, 2021

hammer time
When it comes to ostentatious symbols of power, it’s hard to beat John Boehner’s choice of gavel, pictured above. He’s already taken some grief over its giant-sized resemblance to a polo mallet.

Or is it more like a hammer? Is it, in fact, more reminiscent of Mjollnir, the mythic magical hammer of Thor, the Norse god of thunder? The timing couldn’t be better, as Boehner takes the Congressional reins in the same year that Marvel Studios’ Thor hits movie theaters.

Does our new House Speaker have a god complex (albeit a lower-case one)? If some Capitol Hill page lets leak that Boehner has given a name to his legislative appendage, then I think we’ll have our answer. If Boehner winds up throwing that thing at some Democrat’s head, and it boomerangs back to his hand, then we’ll definitely have our answer…

by Costa Tsiokos, Thu 01/06/2021 08:40pm
Category: Comedy, Movies, Politics, Pop Culture
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Saturday, January 01, 2021

indies
If nothing else, the year is off to a good start television-wise: IFC Channel is kicking off 2011 with a marathon of “The Larry Sanders Show” episodes!

Easily one of my favorite shows of all time, despite its definite datedness after nearly 20 years. Yeah, I’m sure I could gather up the video from various online sources, or even spring for the finally-available complete series on DVD. But I’ll take the option of having the random ep available on basic cable, whenever I click the television on at night.

It is too nice a New Year’s Day to remain cooped up watching TV. But for a little while at least, it’ll be no flipping and hey-now-ing…

by Costa Tsiokos, Sat 01/01/2021 11:37am
Category: Comedy, TV
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Saturday, December 25, 2020

As you tear open your gift-wrapped goodies this Christmas Day, be aware that, as part of the deal, the jolly gentleman who delivered them is trading on your wish list:

Sharing is one of the joys of Christmas. For this reason, we share your personal information with our affiliates, non-affiliated third parties, and anyone else who has a legitimate financial stake in a successful holiday season. Mrs. Claus also likes to have a look-see.

Our affiliates include partners of Santa’s Workshop who are actively involved in making Christmas happen. They include toy-making elves, flying reindeer, and Jesus. Non-affiliated third parties might include the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Hanukkah Harry.

Hopefully this identity-securing is stringent enough to pass muster with California’s privacy laws.

by Costa Tsiokos, Sat 12/25/2010 10:41am
Category: Business, Comedy
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Sunday, December 12, 2021

The International Boxing Hall of Fame created a bit of a stir last week with the announcement of its 2011 class — and it wasn’t because Mike Tyson was on the list:

The day’s shocker, though, was that the name Sylvester Stallone appeared alongside the boxing legends.

That’s right, Stallone is going into the BHOF for his contributions to the sport through film. Stallone gained worldwide fame between 1976-2006, playing the fictional character “Rocky Balboa” in six movies.

You can certainly make a solid argument for inducting non-participants in the actual sport. Still, this smacks of yet another wacky action from perhaps the wackiest of organized sports, and brings to my mind this quip from boxing journalist/historian Bert Sugar, on the scandal-plague Ring magazine:

“If Ring is the Bible of boxing,” Sugar cracked, “the sport needs a New Testament.”

But, hey. Maybe the professional pugilists are on to something. Why not honor the fictional ambassadors of any sport with enshrinement? With that in mind, here’s my slate of candidates for other hallowed halls:

Baseball: Kevin Costner, for Bull Durham, Field of Dreams, and, um… Waterworld?

Basketball: The coach on “The White Shadow”. Sorry, the only one that stands out for me…

Football: Terry Tate, Office Linebacker. C’mon, he’s due! Better than the obvious choice, that overachieving twerp Rudy.

Hockey: No-brainer on The Hanson Brothers, for Slap Shot. And why not — Paul Newman, posthumously.

Horseracing: Mister Ed. And that talking spokes-horse from Yonkers Raceway commercials, while we’re at it.

by Costa Tsiokos, Sun 12/12/2021 12:10pm
Category: Comedy, Movies, Pop Culture, Sports
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Thursday, December 09, 2021

What happens when you start typing in the names of all 50 States (plus the District of Columbia) into Google? You get autocomplete drop-down results that may or may not jibe with the proper map labels.

The results of the top autocompleted phrases indicate that big-time college football programs, especially in the South, have a strong online presence. No surprise, considering how much sports drives search activity.

The surprise results are more fun, of course: The historical-reference “Missouri Compromise” for the Show-Me State (bordering, comically, on Kansas’ misplaced “Kansas City Chiefs”, to boot). “Delaware Water Gap” is an odd one. And let’s not even go near “Montana Fishburne”

(Via Flavorwire)

by Costa Tsiokos, Thu 12/09/2021 08:29am
Category: Comedy, Creative, Internet
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Friday, December 03, 2021

If, as per celebrity tweet-advisers Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian, mayonnaise on a vagina makes it shiny… Then what does mayo on a penis make it?

Answer: Fattening.

There’s tongue-in-cheek advice for you. Or something-in-cheek, anyway.

by Costa Tsiokos, Fri 12/03/2021 01:26pm
Category: Comedy, Social Media Online, Women
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Sunday, November 28, 2021

in con-text
For whatever reason, someone decided to transcribe the entire run of Calvin and Hobbes onto a blog. All crammed within two posts.

I’m assuming that all those words are, indeed, the sum total of the daily/Sunday strips. Each page is certainly long enough to contain the ten years’ worth of word-balloon contents from Bill Watterson‘s creation. I’m not going to dig through my old trade paperbacks to verify the accuracy; some of the missives certainly seem like the real thing, and bring back warm memories of the manic four-color humor.

I’m just wondering what prompted this project. I’ve transcribed similar content myself, when I felt that the image-born words needed to be preserved in more hypertext-friendly form. But the sheer volume here is astounding. And let’s face it, without the accompanying artwork, the scripts — as humorously sharp as they are — are less than satisfying. Unless you want to continually envision a spikey-haired boy and his toy/imaginary tiger delivering the lines…

by Costa Tsiokos, Sun 11/28/2010 10:02pm
Category: Bloggin', Comedy, Pop Culture
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Saturday, November 20, 2021

dreaming
It’s been a while since a user-submission gimmicky website caught my interest. Damn You Auto Correct! has managed it, with its seemingly endless supply of unintentional mobile-device typographical humor.

Although, while the above “lobe-live-libe-love-fyck” example above surely rings true, I wonder about some of the other submissions. For instance, this alleged flub where “going to divorce” subbed in for “going to Disney”. I’d be willing to bet that that one was staged.

The underlying joke, of course, is that by this point, the auto-correction technology still can’t work out context to avoid these errors. Or that the keyboards on most phones, including the iPhone, aren’t better suited to human communication. But I guess we could still have a good laugh over the results. Either that, or else we can all go to “ducking he’ll”

by Costa Tsiokos, Sat 11/20/2010 06:16pm
Category: Comedy, Internet, Tech, iPhone
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Monday, November 15, 2021

twittering classicing
Call it a case of social media collateral damage. Thanks to some controversial comments he made about escrows on his million-dollar income, goalie Dan Ellis earned some online backlash, including a “Fake Dan Ellis” Twitter account. From which came forth an especially biting zinger:

@FakeDanEllis: Does anybody have change for a diamond? #DanEllisProblems

So now, I can’t come across any reference to the Tampa Bay Lightning backup and not think of that mocking tweet. Not that I think Ellis deserved all the flack he got — would someone earning $40,000 a year and complaining about a proportionate tax bite get the same negative reaction? But the joke definitely sticks. The hashtag punctuates the poor-rich-boy tenor.

The real Ellis has since quit Twitter, citing the now-poisoned context. Luckily for him, NHL players typically don’t gain nicknames from online chatter. Although he could do worse than “Diamond” Dan…

by Costa Tsiokos, Mon 11/15/2010 11:19pm
Category: Comedy, Hockey, Social Media Online
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Monday, November 08, 2021

hello coco
Tonight was the debut of Conan O’Brien‘s new TBS gig. In fact, the inaugural episode is wrapping up as I write.

Not a bad opener. The same goofy/manic energy from “Late Night” and “The Tonight Show”, somewhat condensed. I’m looking forward to more.

by Costa Tsiokos, Mon 11/08/2021 11:59pm
Category: Celebrity, Comedy, TV
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Thursday, November 04, 2021

daand da
This is too good to not steal repurpose: A surrealistic play contained within a single Twitter post.

@hotdogsladies: “MAKE ROOM FOR DADA: A PLAY” ACT I ME: Aw. I broke the ice cube tray. ELLIE: Is it chocolate? ME: Why? ELLIE: I like chocolate. [exeunt]

With four characters left over from the 140-limit, too. Impressive. Of course, only a dada theme would make sense (or, more to the point, not make sense) within the cramped context of a tweet.

Maybe this will inspire a slew of tweeted playwriting? Some director can trawl the Twitterverse for a couple of dozen such quickie plays to curate and produce, presenting them “A Night of Social Media Theater”. Imagine the buzz…

by Costa Tsiokos, Thu 11/04/2021 10:53pm
Category: Comedy, Creative, Social Media Online
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Monday, November 01, 2021

I was never a fan of Nintendo’s Super NES console.

But I did like There Will Be Blood quite a lot.

Therefore, I guess I’d have grudgingly appreciated an improbable 16-bit videogame adaptation of the epic historical drama:

A bravura pixelized re-creation of the culminating bowling-pin murder scene. I’m sure Daniel Day-Lewis gladly would have compromised his artistic integrity to make this cartridge-based iteration happen! Although I’d have liked to have seen more milkshake action.

by Costa Tsiokos, Mon 11/01/2021 11:22pm
Category: Comedy, Movies, Pop Culture, Videogames
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Tuesday, October 26, 2021

In my estimation, this short scene from Young Frankenstein is the funniest bit in the whole movie.

Take note of the direct minute:seconds deep anchor link on the YouTube video. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work when you embed the video onto your own webpage. Thus, I can’t really show off the seconds-long sequence here. Bummer.

But here’s the transcript, such as it is:

Inga: You haven’t even touched your food.
[Frederick bolts forward and paws at his food]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: There. Now I’ve touched it. Happy?

Many’s the time I’ve been tempted to re-create this scene, when someone’s criticizing me for not clearing my plate. The only thing holding me back is the risk of an Animal House-style food fight breaking out.

by Costa Tsiokos, Tue 10/26/2010 09:45pm
Category: Comedy, Internet, Movies
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Thursday, October 21, 2021

magical
With a little over two weeks before the premiere of Conan O’Brien‘s new TBS show, the marketing as ramped up, as huge billboards sporting O’Brien’s mug have cropped up all over Manhattan.

He’s permanently wearing a beard these days. It’s a good look for him. Still, I can’t shake my initial impression, from two years ago, of those ginger whiskers:

He looks like a guest-starring warlock character from the old 1960s sitcom “Bewitched”.

Seriously, he should get ahold of the show’s old theme music, wave his arms around at the audience “casting spells”, ham it up with a mock Edwardian English accent, the whole thing. I don’t know if he can actually use these suggestions under WGA rules, but here’s hoping.

So, if one of the first skits on the new talkshow involves Conan doing sitcom-grade magic, you’ll know where he got the idea from. I fully expect to see it on opening night.

by Costa Tsiokos, Thu 10/21/2010 11:55pm
Category: Advert./Mktg., Celebrity, Comedy, TV
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Monday, October 18, 2021

A horror ha-ha from Dustbury, via the Twitterized version:

Q: What do vegan zombies crave?
A: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAINS.

I generally despise the subgenre that is zombies, mainly because it’s been done to (living) death. (Although really, I never cared for the original Night of the Living Dead to begin with.) But a good joke is a good joke, pun and all.

And I contributed the headline, to bring it all together. Isn’t that the point of social media collaboration — to use your collective brains? Or rather, braaaaaaains…

by Costa Tsiokos, Mon 10/18/2010 10:22pm
Category: Comedy, Movies, Pop Culture, Social Media Online
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Friday, October 15, 2021

Last night, me and my (by default) wingwoman:

She: She’s dressed like a whore.
Me: Looks more like a slut.
She: What’s the difference?
Me: She doesn’t look enterprising enough to be a whore.

Distinctions in everything, as always. Not surprisingly, I wound up going home alone. My focus may need adjustment…

by Costa Tsiokos, Fri 10/15/2010 09:45am
Category: Comedy, Women
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