Population Statistic: Read. React. Repeat.
Friday, August 06, 2021

Whenever I’m in public, and this song ticks up on my iPod’s shuffle play…

…I have to skip over it. Not because I’m not a fan of Oran ‘Juice’ Jones and his seminal only hit, “The Rain”; but because the spoken-word rap that takes up the second half is so laugh-out-loud funny:

Hey hey baby how you doin’? Come on in here
Got some hot chocolate on the stove waiting for you
Listen, first things first, let me hang up the coat

Yeah, how was your day today?
Did you miss me?
You did? Yeah? I missed you too
I missed you so much I followed you today
That’s right, now close your mouth
‘Cause you cold busted!

Now just sit down here, sit down here
I’m so upset with you I don’t know what to do

You know my first impulse was to run up on you
And do a Rambo
I was about to jam you and flat-blast both of you
But I didn’t wanna mess up this thirty-seven hundred dollar lynx coat
So instead, I chilled — that’s right, chilled

I called up the bank and took out every dime
Than I canceled all your credit cards, yeah
All your charge accounts, yeah

I stuck you up for every piece of jewelery I ever bought you
Yeah, that’s right, everything
No, don’t go lookin’ in that closet
‘Cause everything you came here with is packed up
And waiting for you in the guest room

What were you thinking?
You don’t mess with The Juice!

I gave you silk suits, blue diamonds and Gucci handbags
I gave you things you couldn’t even pronounce!

But now I can’t give you nothing but advice.
‘Cause you’re still young, yeah, you’re young.
And you’re gonna find somebody like me one of these days

Until then, you know what you gotta do?
You gotta get on outta here with that
Alley-cat-coat-wearing,
Hush-Puppy-shoe-wearing crumbcake I saw you with

‘Cause you dismissed!
That’s right, silly rabbit, tricks are made for kids, don’t you know that?
You without me is like corn flakes without the milk!
This is my world. You’re just a squirrel trying to get a nut!

Now get on outta here!
Scat!
Don’t touch that coat!

I mean, I don’t know what the funniest snippet is: Jones declaring, “I’m so upset with you”? His threat to “do a Rambo”? His anticlimactic decision to “chill — that’s right, chill”? That he gave her “things you couldn’t even pronounce”?? The parting shot to “don’t touch that coat”, revealing his fixation on his own fur?? “Corn flakes without the milk”???

Actually, the funniest part is that entire rambling chorus. Because it renders the preceding first half of the song as practically pointless. The front end is a generic mid-’80s pop product, with bland lyrics and synthesized soundtrack; if it has a purpose, it’s only to lull you prior to the unexpected crack-up that it leads into. Structurally, it just doesn’t get any funnier.

I’ve heard this song so many times over the past twenty-odd years, and it still cracks me up. I’m looking forward to a few more decades of laughs from The Juice and this time capsule.

by Costa Tsiokos, Fri 08/06/2021 01:45pm
Category: Comedy, Pop Culture
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