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Wednesday, May 13, 2021

I actually cooked last night: A steak dinner. And while it’s not the first time I’ve ever grilled a slab of beef, it’s been a good while. Plus, the marinading/tenderizing took most of the day, and even though I didn’t have to do anything but stick it in the fridge for several hours prior to the fire, the process felt preoccupationally-intensive.

All of which is probably what brought to mind the following moldy-oldie comedic essay about a man, his steak, and the philosophy between them. It’s by Michael J. Nelson, alum from the dearly-departed “Mystery Science Theater 3000″. This was a post-MST3K work by Nelson, for a short-lived comedy website called timmybighands.com (in existence in 2001, now long since de-funked). I managed to save a copy for myself; there’s a small handful of replications around the Web, so consider this a minor attempt at further spreading the quirky word. Enjoy.

Socratic Dialogue
….with a Steak
by Michael J. Nelson

Mike Nelson: Steak, why is there you?

Steak: I simply exist. There is no why.

Mike Nelson: Steak? Think back to 20 years ago, why do you think you existed then?

Steak: I can’t remember back to 20 years ago.

Mike Nelson: What do you think that might mean?

Steak: I didn’t exist 20 years ago?

Mike Nelson: Very good, Steak. If you didn’t exist then, and you do exist now, how is it you came to exist?

Steak: You bought me.

Mike Nelson: Could I have bought you if you didn’t exist?

Steak: No.

Mike Nelson: Then who made you?

Steak: The man in the white hat?

Mike Nelson: And how did he make you?

Steak: He formed me from the Mother Steak.

Mike Nelson: What is the Mother Steak?

Steak: The source of all Steak. All my friends in the counter, they came from the Mother Steak, except the pork chops.

Mike Nelson: And who made the Mother Steak?

Steak: I… I don’t know.

Mike Nelson: Think.

Steak: A weed…

Mike Nelson: Are you green like a weed?

Steak: No. I am red.

Mike Nelson: What else is red?

Steak: Other steaks.

Mike Nelson: Think harder, Steak.

Steak: The bricks where the man in the white hat is.

Mike Nelson: Are you hard like a brick?

Steak: No.

Mike Nelson: What else is red, but not hard like a brick?

Steak: A dog?

Mike Nelson: Steak.

Steak: A hat?

Mike Nelson: Steak!

Steak: A shoe…

Mike Nelson: Steak, is the inside of a cow red but not hard like a brick?

Steak: Yes… (pause) The Mother Steak is the inside of a cow?

Mike Nelson: Yes, and…

Steak: And I am the inside of a cow!

Mike Nelson: Yes. And what do I do with the inside of a cow?

Steak: Sprinkle it with salt and pepper, perhaps a little olive oil, then throw it on a very hot fire?

Mike Nelson: No. I let it go, back to the Mother Steak.

Steak: Really?

Mike Nelson: No. Just kidding. Good-bye Steak.

Steak: (screams and sizzles)

by Costa Tsiokos, Wed 05/13/2009 11:10am
Category: Comedy, Creative, Food, Internet, Pop Culture, TV
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8 Feedbacks »
  1. @bstiteler May I refer you to @michaeljnelson’s thoughts on the matter? http://bit.ly/bFiNtD

    Trackback by Kevin Murphy — 09/20/2010 @ 11:35 AM

  2. RT @kwmurphy: @bstiteler May I refer you to @michaeljnelson’s thoughts on the matter? http://bit.ly/bFiNtD

    Trackback by @LeftCoastSarah — 09/21/2010 @ 1:35 AM

  3. http://bit.ly/bFiNtD Michael J Nelson on Steak.

    Trackback by @braddevereaux — 09/21/2010 @ 1:39 AM

  4. RT @braddevereaux: http://bit.ly/bFiNtD Michael J Nelson on Steak.

    Trackback by @ashantifoods — 09/21/2010 @ 1:42 AM

  5. :D RT @kwmurphy: @bstiteler May I refer you to @michaeljnelson’s thoughts on the matter? http://bit.ly/bFiNtD

    Trackback by @chickbouffard — 09/21/2010 @ 1:50 AM

  6. RT @kwmurphy: @bstiteler May I refer you to @michaeljnelson’s thoughts on the matter? http://bit.ly/bFiNtD

    Trackback by Michael J Nelson — 09/21/2010 @ 2:32 AM

  7. A socratic dialogue with a steak: http://bit.ly/bFiNtD

    Trackback by @towelinmonk — 09/21/2010 @ 4:08 AM

  8. RT @kwmurphy @bstiteler May I refer you to @michaeljnelson’s thoughts on the matter? http://bit.ly/bFiNtD

    Trackback by @WolfatHart — 09/23/2010 @ 1:03 AM

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