Population Statistic: Read. React. Repeat.
Friday, February 06, 2021

This week’s improbable common link between Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps and Japan’s venerated sport of sumo wrestling: Marijuana-smoking scandal.

Both parties are feeling the shameful fallout. But I see a potential synergy here, especially for Phelps. Consider this scenario:

The gold-medal champion is suspended for three months by USA Swimming from competition, he’s lost at least one major corporate sponsorship, and he’s even considering bowing out of the 2012 Olympiad. With everything falling apart around him, how would you expect Phelps to react? That’s right: Retreat to the mind-clouding escape that every bong-hit provides. And since he’s not competing, the subsequent munchies — on top of his famed daily 12,000-calorie diet — will catch up with him quickly enough. By May, we’ll be seeing tabloid photos of a dazed and confused 500-pound Phelps, wandering around and wondering what his next move will be.

And that next move would be… Sumo! With all that acquired bulk, plus the now-regular pot habit, he should fit right in with the Japan Sumo Association. Phelps will abandon the swimming pool for a new athletic endeavor, as the newest non-Japanese star to compete in the ancient ring. I’m betting he’ll reach championship status inside of five years.

He’ll need a new sumo name, of course. Maybe something like “Phelpsakaki”.

by Costa Tsiokos, Fri 02/06/2021 11:18 AM
Category: Celebrity, Comedy, Other Sports, True Crime
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