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Saturday, September 15, 2021

You can take the girl out of the blog, but you can’t take the blog-like sensibilities out of the girl.

Liz, formerly of Breakfast of Losers fame, dropped me an email yesterday. She clued me in on a twin-bed set that she’s selling on eBay. Naturally, she had to attach a funny story to it, which I’m reproducing here — partly because I like it, and partly because it’s reminiscent of one of those catch-on-fire eBay listings that everyone emails to each other:

Save my marriage - buy this twin size box spring
Fix my husband’s mistake

We bought this as part of a mattress set for our daughter. She’s almost 3 years old, yet she still sleeps in our room. This didn’t bother hippies like us. That is, until she decided that the only way she could sleep is diagonally across the bed, with her feet in my back, and her face smashed up against my husband’s face, breathing toxic toddler fumes into his nose. She must dream about returning glory to America’s cycling team, because my kidneys have threatened to shut down if I let her spend one more night kicking them.

We have tried moving her to her own room once she is asleep, to no avail. Do you know that part of The Exorcist where Regan turns her head all the way around and shouts obscenities at the priest? That’s nothing compared to my daughter if you try to move her from her sleeping position.

We thought if gave her a real bed instead of a converted crib, and decorated her room all girly-like, with sugar and spice and Victoria Beckham, that she might bestow a few nightly hours of peaceful sleep upon us. We ordered a whole bunch of princess crap and painted her room so pink it would give Betsey Johnson a headache. Our daughter loves her new room. She even spent half a night in it since we completed the transformation three months ago.

Since we ordered some of the furniture online, we weren’t able to discern that the bed needed only a mattress, and not a box spring. In a classic marital miscommunication (my husband screwed up but I love him so I try not to hold a grudge), we failed to return the box spring in time for a refund. It’s been sitting in our living room ever since, practically begging me to pick it up and hit my husband over the head with it. Before I file for divorce, I need to get this thing the heck out of my living room.

This box spring is still as fresh as a daisy. I have never so much as sat my bum on it, let alone slept on it. My kids have not given it a second look, nor used it as a napkin to wipe off all the chocolate ice cream that I feed them to keep them from driving me insane.

Our home is smoke-free and pet-free. It’s also located in the boondocks of New Jersey, but, unlike Dick Cheney, we have not erased our existence from Google Maps. You should be able to get directions.

Contact me to arrange for pick up. I cannot deliver or ship. Remember, I’m a hippie. This thing does not fit in my Prius.

P.S. It really isn’t a big deal that my daughter sleeps in our room, so if you send me an email directing me to an evil parenting “expert” like Dobson or Rosemond who tells me I need to beat my kids to get to heaven, your address will be signed up for the ACLU’s mailing list, and any grammatical or spelling errors therein will be duly mocked.

Makes me wish she was still punching them out on BOL. I think she’s family-blogging somewhere else online, but it’s just not the same.

She wrote me that more eBaying is forthcoming from her. Maybe she should go all the way and move her brood down the road to eBayville, New Jersey!

by Costa Tsiokos, Sat 09/15/2007 12:25:53 PM
Category: Comedy, Creative, Internet
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