So today’s the day: The latest iteration of “Survivor” premieres in primetime tonight, with its gimmicky made-to-order controversy over racially-determined competing teams.

If I gave a rat’s ass about the show, or for reality television in general, I guess I’d be sure to be parked in front of my set tonight. As it is, this strikes me as typical behavior for a ten-year-old series that’s inevitably getting stale.

But hey. If CBS and producer Mark Burnett really wanted to spice things up, they should have borrowed a couple of my favorite vote-off-the-island concepts:

- “Survivor: South Central”. Forming alliances? Try aligning yourself with the right street gang on Crenshaw — or else get a cap busted in your ass!

Survivors will compete in many challenges including a dash from Rosecrans all the way to Atlantic Boulevard which crosses seven different gang territories within the 2 mile journey. Every three blocks, contestants will change into shirts that bear the color and tag of that neighborhood’s most hated rival gang.

- “Survivor: Jihad”. Sleeping in a straw hut on some tropical island, or hunkering down in some cave in Afghanistan — which would you rather watch some namby-pamby contestants endure?

It’s the reality show everyone is talking about. Sixteen contestants. Sixteen beards. Fifteen martyrs. One survivor. Don’t miss “Survivor: Jihad” — only on Al Jazeera.

Not to fear — I’m sure these parodies will become all too real in “Survivor” seasons to come.