Population Statistic: Read. React. Repeat.
Friday, September 17, 2021

a match?
Since I’ve already used the FHM cover with Alyssa Milano twice today, I might as well make it a trifecta. Accordingly, I’ll devote this post to why Milano would, or wouldn’t, be the gal for me. (I’m sure this would more than fulfill Emap’s intent to generate some buzz over this issue, here on this small corner of the Web.)

I know there are several thousand Web sources dedicated to all things Alyssa. But I’m not going to waste my time on all that. I’ll be restricting my informational intake on her to what’s mentioned on her IMDb biography notes. I realize info on IMDb is sometimes suspect and out of date, but this ain’t a scientifical survey we’re talking about here, so…

The selected tidbits:

- She’s a Sagittarius. I’m a Gemini. It’s written in the stars:

They’re both restless, adventuresome, imaginative, and fun loving. No other opposite signs in the zodiac enjoy each other more than these two. There’ll be shooting stars in the bedroom for a while, but when the fireworks fizzle the bickering begins. Both have bright minds, but Sagittarius is outspoken and bossy, while Gemini likes to poke verbal fun. Too rootless and discontent to settle down, they eventually both succumb to the siren call of other interests, other loves. But parting should be amicable.

I’m sold!

- She’s got tats:

She has a sacred heart on her behind, a fairy kneeling in grass on her hip, rosary beads on her back, an angel on her left ankle, an Orobous (a snake biting its own tail) on her right wrist, an “om” on the other wrist and a garland of flowers around her right ankle.

Tattoos are generally a turnoff for me. I’ll have to deduct points here.

- Her favorite sport is hockey! Perfection. The points go back on.

- She plays the piano and the flute. Indicates well-rounded nature, and good for at-home entertainment.

- Her face was used as the archetype for Ariel’s in Disney’s The Little Mermaid. Not too shabby.

- Bust size: 36C. Like I couldn’t guess.

- Dating a Florida Marlins pitcher. Bad news.

- Personal quote, and allegedly her favorite saying: “It’s nice to be important, but it’s important to always be nice.” Pretty sappy, but a nice sentiment.

I’d say I could learn to like her. The Mediterranean heritage is a good fit with me. Dark hair, great body, rich, famous… I’m trying to find a flaw. Personality? Just a minor detail. Overall, I’m positive that I could see myself going out with her. I just have to arrange for Hell to freeze over, and then I figure I’m in!

by Costa Tsiokos, Fri 09/17/2004 06:07:03 PM
Category: Celebrity
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nice do
Further fun today with my aforementioned copy of this month’s FHM:

As you can tell even from the miniaturized image above, it’s hard to miss what covergirl Alyssa Milano is showing off. Such poses are a major factor in the success of FHM and other lad mags. It’s not hard to figure out where the target audience’s gaze will fall.

I brought this issue, along with a couple of other mags, in to work today, on the chance that I’d have some time to flip through them (such borderline girlie mags are acceptable desk items when you work in magazine publishing yourself, under the guise of content/layout research; no, really). I mentioned to my officemate Jamie that I had a couple of new magazines in today, and she asked to see what I had.

I held up the issue of FHM for her to get a look. The first words out of her mouth were, “That’s a pretty haircut.”

I responded, with an air of disbelief, “You’re looking at the-??”

The rest of that would have been “hair”. Had she cited another feature like Milano’s eyes, lips, or even her dress, my stock response would have included any of those, but with the same message and tone. This is an automatic prompt for the hetero male when comparing notes on provocatively-presented female figures. It’s a shorthand jab, meant to imply that there’s something wrong with you if your focus is distracted, regardless of how nice Milano’s other features are, away from the obvious assets on display.

But before I could get the entire phrase out of my mouth, I realized suddenly that I was comparing notes with a girl. And as we alll know, girls tend to look at things like this differently. So I caught myself and said, “Oh right, look who I’m talking to! Of course, the hair!”

Jamie read my mind, and started laughing. As did I.

by Costa Tsiokos, Fri 09/17/2004 04:53:29 PM
Category: Publishing
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who's the boss
Yesterday, I received the above issue of For Him Magazine in my mailbox, kicking off my subscription.

The thing is, I never bought a subscription to FHM.

I assumed it must be a gift subscription, despite the lack of immediate occasion for it (my birthday’s months passed, and it’s too early for a Christmas present). But when I checked with the likely suspects, I came up empty. Nor did I get any sort of notification with the issue that would announce the gift-giving.

The curiosity gnawed at me all morning, aided by my regular glances at covergirl Alyssa Milano. So I finally tracked down the customer service numbers and gave them a call (I justified this otherwise questionable use of my time by reasoning that I needed to update the address information anyway, as the street name was off by a few letters/numbers).

What did I find out? Not much. The subscription is paid for until next September, and it was started for me by some outfit called JMJ Marketing. The message on JMJ’s answering service revealed that it’s just a part of Emap, the UK-based magazine giant and FHM’s publisher. So, as best as I can figure, FHM itself tossed me a free sub.

Why? I know I don’t subscribe to any other Emap publications, so there’s no connection there. I’m suspecting that my name ticked up on some professional’s database, by virtue of my day gig, and they just felt like padding their qualified subscriber rolls. I’m used to getting professional discount offers for various titles (I got one for Newsweek in the very same batch of mail, in fact), but I don’t think I’ve ever gotten an unsolicited subscription before. As long as I’m not being charged for it, I’ll take it.

So, I’ve got some additional eye candy to look at each month. Speaking of which, Alyssa Milano’s photo spread is a nice way to kick off the subscription.

UPDATE (9/21/04): Mystery solved! It turns out that my friend signed me up for a gift subscription. My delusions of being an ultra-sought-after qualified subscriber are thus dashed.

by Costa Tsiokos, Fri 09/17/2004 02:09:15 PM
Category: Publishing
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