If there’s a more ludicrous re-branding effort out right now than Miracle Whip’s current “We Will Not Tone It Down” campaign, I’d like to see it.

I mean, even in the symbol-heavy realm of food advertising, the juxtaposition of party-hearty 20-somethings with a jar of white glop is hard to take even remotely credibly:

Pulsating guitar rhythm, frenetic cut-away video sequences, a mock-defiant come-hither looking waif… Yeah, a mayo/salad dressing hybrid fits right in there. The entire spot is dripping with cynical calculation. I can only assume that ad agency AKQA drugged Kraft Foods execs with some past-due potato salad, and exploited the resultant hallucinatory state across the meeting table to pitch this mess. This, and the entire social media strategy designed to make Miracle Whip “cool” with the kids.

For the record, I don’t eat Miracle Whip. I don’t even want to know what’s in it. And I don’t even know what kind of sales reports Kraft got that compelled it to push this particular foodstuff onto the GenY/Millenials demo. What I do know is that, if people are still confusing MW with mayonnaise after decades of competition, it’s going to take more than a faux-hipster campaign to boost brand recognition.