Well, I don’t know just how truly lost this 12-year-old sit-down between the “Late Show” host and Swiss publication Das Magazin is.

I just know that it’s nowhere to be found on the Web, neither with Google search nor via a direct-drilldown of the magazine’s website (nor of its parent publication, Tages Anzeiger). And yes, I looked for both English and German versions — bupkis. Just goes to show that more than a few items fall through the online cracks over time.

How did I get it? I recovered it from the depths of my hard drive. I remember coming across this translation at least 10 years ago and, recognizing it as the rarity it was, saved it. Good thing I did. I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced Letterman being so serious and insightful about his vocational medium. He gets downright Marshall McLuhan in his insights. Best quote out of this: “Television was born with a smile on its face.”

The following is translated by parties unknown from the original Swiss German, published under the title “TV Provocer”. You’ll see it’s riddled with misspellings and awkward phraseology. I would take a crack at correcting it, but since I’m not working from the original (and don’t know enough German to make that useful even if it were possible), I’m letting it ride.

Finally, some context: This interview took place way back in 1996, so Letterman is talking about a significantly different media landscape. No mention of the Web as a serious challenger to TV, radio or any other mass medium, because it wasn’t one yet. Also, this was fresh off the 1996 Presidential election, so some mention of that. And there’s quite a bit of reference to Letterman’s groundbreaking work from his former “Late Night” show in NBC, clips of which are also fairly scarce on the Web. You’ll just have to imagine it all.

And with that:

It would already be enough, if you would explain your background to our readers a bit.
14 years ago I found out that I hat TV cameras and TV studios. That’s all.

That’s why you’re called a revolutionary TV man, and are adolatrously worshipped in the US.
My God, that’s because of my loss of hair. People simply feel sorry for me. By the way, just call me Dave. I’m TV Dave, America’s best TV friend.

During your talk show “Late Night with David Letterman” an average of 6 million people sit in front of their TVs. And this all between 11:30 pm and 0:30 am, five days a week, 52 weeks a year. How is something like that possible?
Maybe because every once in a while I throw water-melons on Broadway.

And then you show the audience bursting water-melons in slow motion…
Yes, smashing watermelons always was a childhood dream of me. In my show I’ve been fulfilling my own childhood dreams for 14 years. And get paid for it. Crazy.

“Late Night” with more than 120 million dollars in advertisement revenue annually is CBS’ most lucrative program. How did you do that?
Seriously, I don’t feel like talking or analyzing my work to death now. Please do that in Europe. That doesn’t work here. It’s only about television. And I define my role more or less as America’s clown. That’s all.

You make more than 12 million dollars a year. And for that you’ve started the de-mystification of TV in the beginning of the eighties.
I’m really not interested in anything besides drawing the audience’s attention to my small hair piece on the back of my head. And sometimes I turn the picture 180 degrees for an hour.

When you turned the picture on the screen around for the first time ten years ago, especially young people were celebrating your “attack”. They seem to have seen it as a metaphor.
No, I don’t think so. They simply thought it was fun to see something different for a change.

After all some reknown guests were in the show, such as boxer George Foreman and actress Meryl Streep. They were hanging heads-down from the top of the screen for an hour.
We’ve always been playing with the unwritten rules of the business; we reflect, parody, and break them all the time. That’s why in the beginning at NBC I was on air at 0:30 am. But all of a sudden everybody noticed my loss of hair, and CBS gave me a chance at 11:30 pm.

What’s the difference between a 11:30 and a 0:30 show?
I don’t know exactly. The older viewers are still able to barely keep their eyes open. Boys and girls still sit quietly on the couch before they have other things to do. And a commercial costs about 30 per cent more.

Advertising experts claim, no other TV show in the US had a more attractive fan community. The “Late Show” appeals mostly to viewers with a high income, young, educated men and women, decision makers. The commercials during your show are sold out way in advance. Up to 60,000 dollars have been offered for a 30 seconds commercial.
I don’t think about that.

Two years Budweiser introduced a new beer – Iced Bud – nationally during your show.
After that I had bottles of Iced Bud stacked on Broadway, and some ice hockey players from the New York Rangers smashed them with slap shots. So much about Iced Bud.

Why is late night TV such a competitive market in the US?
They assume that whoever falls asleep with CBS-Dave, will wake up with a CBS breakfast the following morning. It’s that simple. However, I don’t care about that. During breakfast I always listen to the British BBC’ world radio.

But still you’ve changed the image of talk shows in the early eighties already, and have turned the world of TV entertainment upside down.
Can a reasonalbe human being make a show almost daily for 14 years, and create chaos doing it, without going crazy? No. Therefore we had to think of something. Every evening I want to have an audience that asks during my show: What the heck was that?

For instance, when you jump into a water container with a coat full of aspirin. And shortly afterwards give a canned ham to Madonna.
I like Madonna. She’s also called me an asshole. Those are the those clear and very precise moments, for which I get a lot of positive press afterwards.

Mister Letterman, how would you assess the cultural role of television in the US?
Okay, let me clear up a misunderstanding. In the US, nobody’s ever been talking about a TV culture, it’s always been about entertainment. I think the longing of Europeans to make more than a fairground is honorable, but pretty much useless. Therefore I would rather speak about a social role of television in the US.

Could you explain us this role?
My God, TV has a much longer tradition in our country than in Europe. We have started the age of television, and doing this offered the world an outlook into the future that can’t be found clearer, more playful and vivid anywhere else. That’s shocking the world. But they always forget, that American viewers are experts in dealing with TV. My grandfather has grown up with the movie soap opera “Three Stooges”, my mom with the first TV hero Lucille Ball, and I was worshipping comedians such as Steve Allen, Ed Sullivan and Johnny Carson. All this at a time, when in Europe looking-out-of-the-window might still have been the most common pastime. Ever since the beginning of the fifties, America has been shaped by pretty trustworthy TV heroes. Only the growth of cable TV has disturbed this trust.

Why?
I believe we all want to be committed to one station, one anchor, one series, one TV friend such as Dave. But with 500 channels it’s not that easy anymore to develop loyalty. You know, this looking-around is only satisfying for a certain amount of time. After that, even the young viewers want to know where they belong. This is why one of Dave’s smashed water-melons can once again build trust into the box and a traditional network such as CBS.

What do Americans know about TV that other cultures maybe don’t understand yet?
The fact that TV can’t be used for the integration of high cultural values and for education, if you want to make a lot of money with it. But I’m sure I don’t have to explain this to you.

But what is the special role of a “Late Night” show with Dave?
A talks show as a traditional live event is especially well suited for those comedians who are constantly looking for a shocking authenticity in the studio. But always within a traditional, easy-to-understand form that hasn’t changed since the early fifties. With a guy behind an idiotic desk, an absurdly big microphone, a couch for the guests, and a band. A show with a lot of famous guests who announce their new movie, a new book, a new TV show, and with whom I much more enjoy talking about my collection of pencils, and forget the new CD or throw the book at the camera. Sometimes I give more time to a dog who shows a funny trick with his owner, than to Madonna, the superstar, for instance. That’s all.

And jokes like those are accepted by all those involved?
I too can’t understand that. Maybe it’s because, according to newest polls, two thirds of our viewers find TV commercials positive, unlike other countries. This approval also applies to new programs. If you dare to do something new on TV in this country, you can always count on a positive audience.

Mister Letterman, especially in Germany a lot of people try to copy your show. However, this Letterman magic can’t be imitated. Why not?
I have no idea. I don’t know those shows in Europe. I’m sure I could amuse myself perfectly in front of a German TV. Even though I wouldn’t understand anything. I don’t know what the situation in Switzerland is. I was told, Germans would use pseudo-Americanisms such as “dressman”, “catching” or “twen”. Those are words that I’ve never heard. Funny hotch potch. In Germany they also say “safer sex”. We in the US leave it at the non-comparative “safe sex”. The Germans truly are very funny.

Does America love David Letterman, because there’s no critical political TV journalism in this country?
You see, the “New York Times” has given my show the title “journalistic humor” once. I don’t get that, though. But such a title might have something to do with our cameras, which we take along on a tour of the CBS building sometimes. We then introduce our audience to the CEO of CBS, the security guards, the cafeteria staff, take janitors into the studio, where they give a toilet brush to Arnold Schwarzenegger, for instance.

And what’s behind that?
I’m not so sure. When we gave Arnold Schwarzenegger a toilet brush, he smiled a bit unsure. One viewer may think: Huh, huh, Dave gave Arnold a toilet brush, he sure showed him. Someone else thinks: Oh, that’s sweet, Arnold is holding a toilet brush in his hand, and he’s smiling. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you will never get anywhere in this country.

When is television harmful?
It may be that Americans know that TV is harmful, when it tries to lead serious discussions about news, politics, education, economy or religion. Maybe American viewers know instinctively that TV is the most useful when it’s talking about dumb things.

Mister Letterman, in one of your shows you’ve counted how often Bob Dole has blinked with his eyes during a TV debate. Why?
No idea. I try to inform America. To inform precisely, if you know what I mean. It was exactly 40 blinks in 25 seconds, opposed to Clinton’s 4. Details such as those decide elections, don’t you think?

What’s the magic of ridiculous information?
Ridiculous is the wrong word. In my opinion television is an unbelievably bizarre medium, especially if used in context with the idiotic slogan “information age”. Television has very little to do with being informed. On the other hand, those who claim that a TV addicted viewer could not tell program and reality apart, simply talk crap. We proof it every night: Especially because TV does not depict reality it’s so much fun to watch. We always have helped transparency.

Is this self-mirroring an answer to the viewers’ mistrust?
I don’t make a show to diminuish mistrust. We entertain people using a medium which I don’t like too much. I simply feel better when I torture this idiotic camera, when I turn the whole thing inside out. I constantly try to free myself from this burden “television”.

You’re supposed to be very shy.
I think that’s very normal when someone looks like me.

Mister Letterman, now what’s the advantage of a society in which a serious talk almost always ends in giggling?
Come on, do I have to explain you again why TV is entertaining?

Not why TV is entertaining. But why it makes entertainment the normal frame in which experience is presented.
TV was born with a smile on its face. Nothing can shake it off. Or would you rather want a propaganda machine that explains you hour after hour what is culturally important, and what isn’t? The furthest I make my viewers go is, that they might die laughing about the pictures on the screen. TV is a box connected to a power outlet, nothing more. You just have to believe me. It certainly isn’t the Scala of Milan.

So you’re convinced that only the de-mystification of television would give some hope to gain a certain control over it?
You see, polls have shown that the more I move the camera around the studio, the more popular I am. For instance when I press my nose against it, run out of the theater with it, let trucks drive over it. Or when I force vice president Al Gore to a certain style during the interview in order to enable the viewers to see how strong his look is, how he smiles and tries to leave a good impression with funny remarks. Nothing can break up the smooth surface for a few seconds better than a talk show with Dave or a hamburger test with Zsa Zsa Gabor. The breaking of rules feels relaxing. Especially for myself.

What makes screens turned upside down, throwing snowballs aginst the camera, the Pakistan souvenir dealers from Broadway, turned into superheroes by you, so important?
I don’t like to see any real importance in it. Of course, some say I have started the parodical self-reflection of commercial TV. It’s my “fault” that nowadays serious car companies such as Ford make fun of themselves in their advertising, they say. I don’t know, I simply always wanted to entertain, in Johnny Carson’s tradition.

He was the “King of Lage Night Comedy” for 30 years. When Johnny Carson hosted his last show four years ago, more than 50 million people watched him, Why was he so important for America?
Johnny was our best TV friend. Some fans knew him better than their own fathers. NBC’s “Tonight Show” – our direct competition – has been part of our lives for over 40 years in the same way that Pisa’s tower belongs to Italy. Johnny has given a lot of comedians such as myself a chance. John Belushi, Dan Akroyd, Eddy Murphy, Roseanne, Whoopy Goldberg, Jerry Seinfeld and others might never have found their way into the wide world without him. Warhol said that every human being would be famous for 15 minutes. But for us comedians only the 6 minutes Johnny gave us to tell our little jokes were important. And when Johnny laughed we were heroes and our future was safe.

Was Johnny Carson political?
He appealed to both liberals and conservatives. How else could you make a successful show in this country? But serious politics have bored him. For instance, Johnny could have saved our unlucky president Jimmy Carter, but he didn’t want to. Johnny was the first TV person to invite Muhammed Ali into his show, at a time when millions in NBC’s home audience hated Ali. Maybe Johnny was “political” in the European meaning. Only nobody here noticed it.

Commercial television depends on ratings. How do CBS and the “Late Show” keep viewers from changing during commercials?
You’ll have to ask our producer. Some months ago I had a show without commercials. An announcer has kept yelling the sponsors’ names into the show – “Budweiser – The King of Beer”. After that the show went on as usual.

Was that comedy or parody that was arranged with the sponsor?
We got paid for it, if you want to know it exactly. But of course parodies uch as this one only work if the viewer knows the original. The joke must be recognized and acknowledged.

The viewer has two means today to show their disapproval of commercial breaks and the mix-up of communication: VCRs and the remote control.
That’s why the advertising people try to come up with commercials that even today still stick out of the mass. And it is then my job to put them down again, huh, huh…

A fatal event happened in November 1989, when you made fun of a battery producer’s pink bunny…
Oh no, do we have to talk about this?

You made it walk across your desk, with drum and the Energizer logo. It became clear that this wasn’t a commercial when you decaptivated it with a baseball bat. What happened then?
The damn thing kept on walking. Exactly like the commercials say, that those damn Energizer batteries would never die. It was spooky.

However, that wasn’t planned.
Of course not. But the people from Energizer liked the additional publicity a lot. This bunny has long since become a real hero and still appears in their commercials. Next time I’ll burn that son of a bitch!

Are those the fatal consequences, when TV talks about itself?
I don’t think so.

What you wanted was to make the entire nation laugh about how TV itself critizises TV commercials. However, at the end the viewer should laugh, not the advertisers.
No, TV-Dave is the one who laughs at the end. Everything else woud be very, very unfair.

What will be the problem of TV viewers in the far future?
Maybe when they don’t know anymore what they’re laughing about.

You mean, when they don’t think about why TV-Dave’s hairpiece is growing all of a sudden anymore?
No, the “Late Show”’s magic will only be in trouble when the viewers don’t ask anymore: Why does this guy throw water-melons onto Broadway?